And, I am thankful for U.S. troops spread throughout the planet to protect my interests. I am thankful for honor killings. For religious control of birth control. For “celibate” priests. For “virgin” births. I am thankful for not contracting an incurable disease during my last ride on the Chicago Transit Authority, yesterday, coming home from where? From work. I’m thankful to technology and obesity for replacing sex. I’m thankful for my government’s moral guidance and for media stooges. I’m thankful for billboard messages from God. I’m thankful for $5 dollar foot-longs that are only slightly larger than my own sex organ. I’m thankful for Black Friday beginning at 12:01 AM this year … same as last year. I’m thankful to corporations for taking out life insurance policies on their employees making them worth more dead than alive. I’m thankful for “too big to fail” and failing anyway. I’m thankful to Walmart for giving their employees the opportunity to make a buck on the backs of exploited foreign workers on Thanksgiving Day while other employees have to sit home and eat steroid-wracked Turkey and get drunk before driving to work at Midnight. I’m thankful to the NFL for cloning William “The Refrigerator” Perry and for pointing up to Jesus for the power of every successful play. I’m thankful I was able to dodge the “sexter” behind the wheel of the SUV that almost hit me while I was crossing the street, yesterday, coming home from where? From work. I’m thankful for “smoked porky goodness”. And rape.